I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize