he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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