dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
