She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
