Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
