I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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