there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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