Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
That accounts for only three of the penises
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
