the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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