We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I did not marry a roomba.
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