I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
