I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
