I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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