Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
