i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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