standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
