Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
