as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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