Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
