My sheets look like a crime scene.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
