Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
