there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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