If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
