Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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