now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
