Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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