I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
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