i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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