a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
it's like heaven, but drunker
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
