We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
