Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
