I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
we made out on top of his cat.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
