billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
