its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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