He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
