Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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