I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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