Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
