Someone shit on the floor
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
