I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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