so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
