woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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