haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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