Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Houston, we have a blender
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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