I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
