he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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