I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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