Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
