I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
