dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
