shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
