I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
