It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
