i love accidental penises.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
