I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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