Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
