Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
