He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
