i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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