the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
