im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
