I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize