I heard we made out
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
